A Love That Is Mine and Mine Alone

The truth of the matter is it doesn't matter how much or how hard you try to push them out of your mind and subsequently out of your life, they're going to cross your mind. It's oftentimes, inevitable. And in my case, I'd run into them before the process could be completed.


The break-up and thereafter was far from amicable. We were like captives on a distant island that didn't know what it meant to cordially disagree. And was displayed for the world to see. When two adults display their raw emotions in states of anger and frustration, the pictures painted are never pretty ones. But we deal with the consequences as we normally do in life. Play the cards however they were dealt to you. Roll with it. Keep it moving. Look at the picture however you choose so long as you don't allow that picture to hinder your growth.


Love is what I write about. It's what I live for. Nikki Giovanni herself even said that we love because it's the only true adventure. I believe this. And I've lived this very belief and quote out on front street for the past 3.5+ years. The heart's desire does whatever it damn well pleases to. And all we can do is trek along with it. And this trekking along also means dealing with the outcomes to predicaments of that and those journeys; including having mutual friends and being adults about a nasty situation, handled in a cold, cold world.


I harbor no ill feelings. No hatred. No bitterness. No anger. No frustrations. None. And God knows I know there are millions of women who would perhaps brow beat me for not feeling this way. But I don't. It's not in my genetic makeup to feel such a way. I believe, everyone's deserving of forgiveness. But everyone is also deserving of a love that is going to love them to their core. A love jones.



He said to me that "... I wanted a love jones sort of love."  "And I do. I deserve it. I desire it. I await it with open arms. I use to believe that no love was worth it without a fight. But should my love for you be pure and true, unyielding, faithful, and forever, there should be no fight, so long as your love is equal and just as endearing as mine...."


I could and probably will write about love forever because it's so multifaceted that there's no one true picture of what it looks, sounds, and feels like. 


All I know is that the love I want and a love I seek, is forever and enduring. It's, the butterflies fluttering my the pit of stomach as we kiss or the sound of jingling keys or a hearty laugh. 


All I know, is that I want a love that is mine and mine alone.

re-discovering me

I feel like I'm always "rediscovering me". Like I'm always lost or something goes awry and I'm left clueless and confused. Left to pick up the pieces just to realize that the pieces don't paint the picture I last remember. Not a good look, and an even worst feeling. But life goes on right? 

Of course, it has to.

Life is the one and only thing that allows us to transform ourselves more times than we can keep count. Transformations and changes that exceed the number of fingers that we're born with. Who we are now, will not be who we are in six months, let alone one or 20 years from now. And that, is a tad bit frightening, but equally exciting. 

In the past year, I've been broke without a complete dollar to my name, gotten out of, back in, and back out of a relationship, changed jobs and fields, I've given up my apartment for a new beginning, stopped relaxing hair and exchanged my long flowing tresses for a tight curly puff while seesawing back and forth on whether I should return to relaxed hair. I've been lied to, cheated on, threatened, and have felt angrier at myself than I ever have in this life of mine.

One of the worst feelings in this world, is to know you're lied to, or done wrong, because another didn't feel as though you were worthy of the truth. Or worth the honesty you duly deserve. You're left to morph into Inspector Gadget to seek answers to questions you've verbally asked. And you're left to pick up the pieces of such ill-fated decisions. There aren't enough words I don't believe that can really pinpoint just how I feel, as there are times when I don't have a clue just what I feel.

One day at a time. As simple as this statement sounds and looks, it's probably one of the hardest set of words to put into action. To put into motion and practice. I'm used to constantly moving and making life happen. But how do you get un-used to such a thing? How do you get accustomed to things, life, being different from what you remember?

So as a dedication and promise to myself and my mother, this upcoming 4th of July weekend, I'm going to live life like it should be lived. And as much as I look forward to the most poppin'est weekend I've had in some time, there is a bit of apprehension because it's been so long since I've done something for me or put me first to take care of me. This upcoming weekend, I plan to be a floater and a wearer of many hats, pumps, flip-flops, dresses, capris, tanks, and swimsuits. Living life bar, yacht, restaurant, beach, museum, movie, mall hopping. Living life like it ought to be. All while laying my many loads down for a few days to allow myself to smile and breathe freely and comfortably.

I take now to shed what's left of my old self, so that the new me can emerge and immerse herself into a new life that she's waited oh so patiently for.