Why I Stayed,

No one knows why I stayed but me. We reach a point in life and specifically in certain relationships where we've grown so comfortable with the bullshit that we wind up convincing ourselves that to start over defeats the purpose. So we stay. I did. I convinced myself, with his help of course, that I didn't have the patience or the time to meet and get to know another person and their habits, attitudes, likes, and dislikes. To learn someone new again. Who has that sort of time? So I stayed. "We not gettin' any younger T." So clearly, I was getting too old to seek and find and learn a new person too. I stayed through the cheating, lying, verbal abuse, and sheer laziness. I stayed through the excuses, schemes, and blaming everyone else for why you're where you are in life. I stayed. I stayed through the threats of if I can't have you nobody will, through the threats to knife up your wrists with our kitchen knives, stayed through blocking the door so I couldn't escape - to stay and wallow with him in his misery.


I stayed because I was the good girlfriend playing "good wife".


But eventually, that shit got old. Real old. And it started to stink and to wear me down. There's but so much encouragement that I could give when what I really wanted to say was "shut the fuck up and get up off your ass. no one owes you shit, not even a good fucking morning sunshine". I began to spend my days off at my mother's for a piece of peace of mind. I grew tired of my brain always working and working the majority of the time to keep him functioning.


A weary woman is not a happy woman no matter what she says. If she claims she's happy, she's fucking lying.


I was tired of redoing resumes and hearing the dreams of how to make these moves and build "our" legacy. Build a legacy when you don't have a leg to stand on. The irony was appalling. But my being so comfortable and being OK with it because it'll change, things'll get better was just as disgusting. As much as I was tired of working 16 hour long days at work to catch up on the late rent and past due bills, coming home to take the trash out, do the dishes, and straighten up the living room while he was stretched out in the bedroom, I'd convinced myself that this was as good as it gets. I stayed because I had already prepared myself that this was going to be my life.


Oh yes, I stayed.


I continued to make excuses and enable the behaviors. But, if I'd said or did what I really wanted to, my day and quite possibly, my week, or months to come would have been severely fucked up. My level of miserable would have been beyond 100.


I stayed so I wouldn't have to hear the bullshit. So I wouldn't have to be threatened with what I wasn't going to do and what he was going to do. The threats were just as empty as the promises but it took me a while to realize such.


I stayed, because while he didn't have a leg to stand on, I'd lost my original backbone and needed one rebuilt.


Don't get me wrong, there was love. Insurmountable amounts of love. But the shit was fucked up. I fell in love with who I thought he would grow into and he fell in love with who I was when we met. I fell in love with thinking I could mold him into who I wanted him to be versus who and what his reality was. It didn't take long for him to show me his real face, but I didn't believe what he showed me, so I stayed. And grew angry at him for my knowingly mistaking him to be someone he wasn't.


My mistake was taking my frustrations out on him for not being who I imagined him to be instead of admitting such and leaving well enough alone from the rip. Instead, I stayed thinking I could change this boy into the man I wanted.


And don't get me wrong, he put it down. On the regular. But I got it and other bitches got it too. Yet, my simple ass stayed thinking shit would change. And eventually it did. But, a cheetah doesn't change its spots like a zebra can't transpose its stripes. And change, well that bitch was a few days late and several dollars short.


Believe what you see when you see it. That, is the difference between now and later.


The love we shared was limitless. There was nothing we would not have done for one another - other than leave. We both knew we were both better apart than we were together, but we weren't strong enough for each other or ourselves to let it go.


But eventually, the weary woman wanted to be happy without the weary or the drama or the pain. She wanted to be with someone who she could genuinely love for them and not for her thoughts. She had to own up to the fact that lost trust and non-belief alone was more than enough of a reason of why she couldn't walk that well trodden road yet again.


I stayed because change was too scary. Because I misconstrued a lot of things for love when it wasn't about love, because sometimes, love just isn't enough of a reason to hang around. It's frightening to see the person you've shared your life with stand before you threatening to cut their wrists if they can't have you as if you're their property. There aren't enough words to explain the sheer fear of thinking you can't move on with your life because that person won't allow you to do so.


There are a lot of things that love is, but equally, there are many things that love is not.


I apologize for staying around longer than I know I should have. I apologize for not being the stronger one sooner to let it go so repair could have began earlier. But life is about learning and I pray that you've walked away with just as many lessons as I have without holding an embittered heart. Love is worth fighting for. But love is also worth letting go for individual repair versus combined destruction. We stayed thinking time really does and would heal all wounds, but not if you're not brave enough to stop patching up scars as if they don't exist.


To finally have let go is honestly one of the best decisions I've made to date. My individual happiness means the world to me and I honor it just as much as I honor the love we shared. But, the truth of the matter is that it was time. We'd taught all we could teach and bought to the table everything in our power, including the messiness. This was nothing more than a good ass chapter that had to come to an end.

Just For Me

There's no part of this life that is guaranteed to us. Not our next breathe, next smile, or next day. And if we're lucky enough to be given tomorrow, or enough hours in today, they ought to chronicle the best of us - and nothing short of it. We spend so much time planning for the days, weeks, months, years - lifetimes - to come, we fail to realize that none of these things are promised. Either that, or we knowingly attempt to fight time hoping to come out on top.


The plans are easy to make. It's putting them into action that sometimes we get stuck. It's the second nature second thoughts that overtake us. It's the wondering what others will think, snicker, or say. It's the issue of giving others whether consciously or not, power over our lives to determine what we will or will not do.


I'm guilty of these things. Daydreaming days away wishing and hoping for something to change. But change is a mind-frame, a way of life. It's not something that just happens, it's created and formed. It's birthed through our actions and raised via our practices. It's homegrown and a reflection of the best, or the worst of us. It's ingrained so deeply into us, that often, we have to dive into ourselves to seek it and bring it's glory to the forefront.


I, am guilty of everything in this. I, deep sea self dive all the time all because I spend so much time and dedicate so much energy attempting to please those who ensure they please themselves. I, cheat myself out of my own happiness that when the time comes, and they have come dozens of times before, I look back, and see no part of me. I don't see the me that I think I'm grooming day-by-day. I don't and haven't seen the me that I envisioned years ago. I see instead, a self that I don't quite recognize.


I've been spending the last few weeks in my mind organizing and prioritizing. I spend more time than a little bit in my head attempting to make peace with myself and the foreseen issues that others may or may not - assumed fears. Spending time giving myself permission to be who I am and permission to live my life as it is: my life. Ensuring not to vilify myself for being who I am and who I am growing into. These, are the steps to power moves; these are the steps to a life that is plentiful and full. These, are the steps to self-empowerment and constant self-improvement. 


These processes of change and alterations are necessary in this life regardless of how often or how much or how hard we fight them. These changes force us to stare at ourselves as we are in the mirror and accept the reflection. Accept the us that everyone else wants to change. Accept our growth and our change. Accept us as we were made. Accept us as we are to become. And accept those who will join along with us in the journey.


Why not make this the best while we're here? Why not allow our lives to be the best reflection of who we are, where we come from, and how we've gotten here? All I know is that for me when it's all said and done, it'll all be worth it. And I pray the same to be the case for you.


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