Before You I Stand

I've stood before you
bare and naked
pleading for understanding
and the love that not that I believe,
but that I know I deserve.
I've stood before you
screaming and silent
attempting to help you
find our middle.
I've stood before you
as I am
and as you know know me,
in every bit of my essence,
hyper-sexualized and on the prowl
for you.
I've stood before you
barefoot and nude
with breasts exposed and
moving to their own tune,
needing and wanting
you to see me for me -
as I am,
and as I will become.
I've stood before you
with tears staining my skin
and tearing my heart to shreds.
I've stood before you
as your best friend
and potentially as your worst enemy
fighting for the best of us,
desiring and needing
the best from us.


So now,
I stand before you
prepared for forever
and what's to come. 
I am here as I am,
as all that I can be,
and as I hope to become,
praying silent prayers
that only my God can hear,
that we will become we,
as we are
and we are to become.

Lets Play Pretend Again

circa 2006


I remember us-
The make-believe we-
The Black Barbie & Ken
And Bill Cosby’s modern day replica of the Huckstables.
Our makeshift domain was
Built on weak stilts
And surely created from a sweet symphony of lies,
Melted in a pot of sloppy lovemaking--
We thought we meant and equaled forever-
Felt as though eternity and everlasting
Were symbols for you and i.
But like they say:
All things good and sweet
Fly and on point
Sexually pleasing and enticing
Eventually
goes
downhill… 

And we like miniature devil’s advocates
Got caught and twisted
Tangled and fucked
Licked and teased
Into temptation.
But wait a minute--
It’s also the same tune this fly, sexy ass brotha
With a hot, tempting voice
Sung into my ear
On the dance floor,
Against the wall,
atop a sweating floor,
Countertop
And bedroom sheets--
But like one-minute men
Who nut faster than the speed of their strokes
And climaxes that take forever to come,
All things good and sweet
Fly and on point
Sexually pleasing and enticing
Eventually
goes
downhill…

We-
Being the conniving, 
Sneaky and sinful creatures we are,
Hid our dirt
Like four legged creatures
With wagging tails
Hide their bones
In backyards,
Alleyways
in the cushions of Benzes,
Lexus’s
And club booths.
But regardless,
Like quickly earned drug money,
Sex money,
Fucked money
And illegal trade money,
All things good and sweet
Fly and on point
Sexually pleasing and enticing
Eventually
goes
downhill…

And although,
We did our devious deeds,
At the end of the day,
We were
The Black Barbie & Ken
And Bill Cosby’s modern day replica of the Huckstables.
Our makeshift domain was positively
Built on weak stilts
And surely created from our sweet symphony of lies,
Melted in a pot of sloppy lovemaking
That was fixed and maintenanced by the dicks and coochies
Of others 
We knew we meant and equaled forever-
We knew that eternity and everlasting
Were symbols for you and i.
But like they say,
All things good and sweet
Fly and on point
Sexually pleasing and enticing
Eventually
goes
downhill…

But 
why don’t we 
play 
pretend 
again?

They and I Fell

circa 2006


I had to let the tears fall
Like torpedoes fly in Afghanistan,
Bombs over Baghdad,
Africa’s riches stolen by white hands:
Rubber tax, hands chopped, we run this--
They fell and I let ‘em fall
Like panties rolling down brown legs
Secretly in concrete floored basements:
Lights dim, lips wet, coochie ready--
Like hair falling, the needed disconnect from society’s ideal view of beauty--
They fell and I let ‘em fall
Because my guard had been down,
It ran and couldn’t be found,
My heart fluttered like old heads who haven’t been hard like rocks in decades:
Tight jeans, big titties: so dreams are real!
They fell and I let ‘em fall
Because I had no choice,
The inevitable had taken place:
Mascara smeared,
Hair tangled and tied,
Heart broken and splattered like candy apple red blood on a Philly street corner:
Lifeless body, city crying, but ain’t nobody talkin’!
The beauty in life looked over;
I said fuck it, you and us--
They fell because I dropped the draws,
Licked my lips, laid back and gave you control--
They fell and I let ‘em fall
Like limp dicks after quick fucks:
Newport ready, fan on, get dress and bounce
Like flyy sistahs tripping and meeting mother earth face to face in public--
They fell cause I put you first and me last,
Cause I said love is a possibility and I’d found the impossible in you,
Cause I was young and ready,
Hungry and thirsting for someone like you…

They fell and I let ‘em fall…
Now-
I’m struggling to get back up…….

Waiting (for)(me) to Exhale

Imagine: a boring "apple-sugar-spice" Saturday afternoon full of nothingness and empty of excitement. You're a 23 year old woman, with half of a job, mind full of dreams, wants, and desires, an unkempt apartment that's yours to which needs to be straightened up by the way - but you feel weak. You pray daily, throughout the day and wake up sometimes at night when the only thing lighting the skies are stars you can't see from your bedroom, just to speak and talk with your God. Feel like you're living day-to-day - waiting for something to happen. Waiting for the life you know you deserve to stop skipping and just play - smoothly.

Rewind 15 years - Waiting to Exhale, circa 1995. I remember my mom took me to see the movie when it first came out. It was a date. Andorra Shopping Center - the best movie theatre in all of Philadelphia! At least that's what my 8 year old self thought. Unbeknownst me, that film would be pivotal to me, as a young girl. Waiting to Exhale is the film that ushered me into the realization that "Damn, I'm a girl!"

Fast forward 15 years. To now. That 8 year old girl is a 23 year old woman who now, fully understands the innuendos and adult comments and content made throughout the film. That 8 year old who is now a 23 year old woman, not only understands, but has been in some of the shoes filled by the women who played these pivotal roles. These, classic characters.

I remember watching it in my 8 year old skin, during the part when Robin and Michael have (horrific) sex. He looked like a fish in dry land, dying, but then he came to life - in minutes. I remember Gloria being the overbearing mother. And Angela Bassett's unforgettable role as the wife who sets her husband's clothes, jewelry and car ablaze after he leaves her, for a white woman. The rest of the movie, the little things, I didn't remember. Until this Saturday. This boring "apple-sugar-spice" Saturday!

But I realized and learned some, well, a lot of things as I watched this crucial film, from beginning to end. From opening scene to rolling credits. I watched that film beginning as the 8 year old girl I originally viewed it in, and slowly, grew into the 23 year old woman I am now.

Bernadine wanted to call her husband's new woman - the white woman, his secretary, to "talk" to her. Robin, egged her on. Savannah (Whitney!), shook her head. And Gloria, protested and subsequently snatched the cord out the phone. Bernie broke down. And I noticed, no one, not even Gloria or Robin who was on her side, consoled her. No one took her hand and said sweet words that we want our girlfriends to say. No one cusped her face into their brown, worn palms, and whispered positive words to her. They all sat (or stood) in place and watched her break down. And question why.

I sat at the edge of my bed, pouring, drying, and peeling Elmer's school glue from off of my hands. I sat there, seeing myself with my sister and my best friends. Watching us talk about what's to come - our fears and excitements. We're all excited to become mothers and wives, to buy our first homes and take vacations that women only takes with her girls.

I sat, waiting for the play button to be pushed in my life. To hear the "on your mark, get set *gunshot!* GO!" I sat, and watched this movie, and noticed that none of these women took care of themselves. But they took damn good care of everyone else. To please, everyone else - whether spiritually, emotionally, or sexually. Took exceptional care of their children, homes, and careers. But, they failed at making sure that their self, their person, their beings, were their #1 priority.

So, after the credits rolled, and I peeled glue from my hands one last time for the day, I made myself a cup of herbal tea. Started a simple dinner for one. And began this piece. Googled the benefits of yoga. Vowed, to myself, that while I wait for life to stop skipping, the least I could do is take care of me. To put me first. To take care of myself whether it meant eating more vegetables or meditating before bed. Whether it meant not answering the phone when I know I don't want to be bothered, just to have or to get a peace of mind, or randomly texting a friend I Love You.

Adulthood and I have a love/hate relationship. We've had this devastating relationship since I started college. It isn't fair and surely does what it wants to - what it sees fit. Doesn't give me what I want, when I want or what I feel I rightfully deserve, and damn sure doesn't give a streak of good luck!

But, as I sat on my bed, watching a cast of actresses whose careers let alone their lives span and double my own, I realized the key to this game of adulthood isn't to wait for it to do you right. The key is to do yourself right. The key, is to find a space or moment in time to call your own. Find a some peace of mind even when you're sitting in the midst of chaos. Appreciate the glimpses of sunshine regardless of the category 7 hurricane that's ripping through your life. Find peace. And breathe. Exhale.

At 8, I thought it was all about love and being angry. At 23 and an adult, I realize the problems were and are deeper than sex, more passionate than making love, more severe and detrimental than holding on or not wanting hold on tight because you've convinced yourself you'll lose the battle anyway. It's about carving a niche in this superficial, self-centered and self-absorbed, narcissistic, emotionally drained and oversensualized society we call home.

Since re-watching this flick for the first time in its entirety in 15 years, each day, I carve a niche for me and my existence. Whether it's sitting at my computer and working on a blog or feature piece, or sitting cozy in the corner of my sofa with a cup of tea, or even, sitting on my bed, naked, and in my skin, eyes closed, heart beating steadily, I breathe. I take time back for myself, whether 5 minutes or for 10 minutes, and I take it for myself. And myself alone.

For some people, this lesson, is never learned, let alone taught. Lucky me, I learned it at 8 but understood and comprehended it at 23. The sooner we get this simple fact about life, quite possibly, the sooner we all can individually and drastically change our lives, for the better.

So, moral of the story is: take back your life and claim it. Re-name. Appreciate it. Make it yours and give yourself the life you deserve.