getting my peace of mind

Dear You.


Yes you. Especially if you think this is about you, then yes, it can be about you too. I know somewhere in your psyche, you think, well, you've convinced yourself that without you, I'd be nothing. Better yet, I would have been up shit's creek without a paddle to maintain the waves or a compass to know which way to go, if it all weren't for you. Claiming credit where it by far is not due.


But guess what? I'm fine. And like many urbanites like myself who weren't born with a silver spoon attached to their tongues, I'm good. And to be honest, I'm glad, no happy, shit, I'm proud of me for having walked away and not looking back. For having grown the balls you were incapable of maintaining to say enough was enough.


I claim myself and only the individual I am. Heart, mind, titties, ass, smile, happiness, everything - all included. And I must say, I am the grand prize. I am above 1st place status and especially beyond 2nd place "runner-up-coming-up". There's no one like me. And never will be. This though, you already know.


I am over what was and what use to be. And just because I'm spilling my sarcastic ass feelings into this piece of literature, it does not mean I want you. No sir.


I need nor do I want anything from you. I desire nor crave nothing that comes of your being. No conversations, apologies, puppy dog eyes of a man who's lost his battle. Nothing. No phone calls, text messages, e-mails; no forms of communication. No reason to connect. I harbor no ill feelings, hostility, nor anger. I wish nothing upon your life that could potentially do harm to you or that could alter your life in ways you cannot even imagine. 


My main and only concern in this current and present life of mine is myself. That is all. I've reached a point where I could care less about your words, thoughts, intentions, or desires. Because sir, you know, just like I know, Karma, is a bitch. Life knew just what she was doing when she made Karma, sexually speaking, a cold blooded fucking woman! And I already know, your name, is indeed on it.


To you, you walked away with nothing. To you, I forced you to begin all over again. To you, I have everything, and was inconvenienced by none. If you say so. But the last time I checked: that large, lavish apartment has been traded in for a twin sized bed while I solely am still paying for that large, lavish apartment that you too resided in. You remember that apartment right? The same one you laid your head at when the night sky took over. The same one where I scrounged and struggled for months to make all ends meet while your sad attempts to get on your feet didn't quite come through. Yet, I would have lost it all if it weren't you. Are you sure about this? Or is this just what you irresponsibly spill into the streets and atop of the ears of whomever will listen to make yourself look good? How about no comment? Or, I'd rather not speak on it. How about "I fucked up. But I have to move on". Any of these would work magically for me because then the hard work I did put in and the dedication I did exude would not be trampled on by your selfish, inconsiderate, lonely ass words on the simple fact that you've grown bitter.


You hold no power over me or my successes. Your presence has no place in my future regardless of how hard you attempt to ease your way in. You words mean nothing regardless of how hatefully you spew them all in the name of hatred and anger. You, are no longer a factor in anything I do.


But go ahead and carry on. Because while you harbor these ill-gotten feelings that really should be geared towards yourself, I pay you no mind. I fight daily to regain the peace of mind that rightfully belongs to me. But do understand, this peace, was never in your jurisdiction. This peace, is brand new and refreshing; it has no imprint of days spent with you. And yes, I fight daily to leave you further in the past than you were yesterday. I, will and can be everything you claim me to be because you, my former beau, are no longer a factor. I will be all the fat bitches I've ever been to you because you, have no stake to profit off of when it comes to me.


So Sir, enjoy the words you regurgitate today, for they may be the words you eat tomorrow.




Sincerely,
never looking back.

Chrisette Michele

Goodbye Game

the best that i {had} and now {seek}

At the end of the day, and the fact of the matter, is that I did more than necessary, and did my best. Gave my all and borrowed from places outside of myself to provide what my heart could not do on its own.


Everybody's got opinions and there are multifaceted sides to all stories: the good ol' your's, mine, and the truth. But let it be whatever it is and whatever it will become, so long as we both know that I gave my all and more than I really should have. More than I even had remaining in me. More than I could fathom. More questions than answers. More tears than smiles. More pain than joy. I know, without a shadow of doubt or a second of uncertainty, I did my best and gave my all. And it is this fact that hurts the most. Not even that it's over. Or that I've returned to square one, to start from scratch, but, that I, a young 24 year old woman endured and fought, gave her all and quite possibly her best.


I don't know which way to turn or what foot to start with, but I know to move and keep moving. I can't say when will I give into love and usher myself into a relationship again. But right now, that's not even on my list, yet, it is a heavy question that beckons me. Did you give so much of yourself that possibly, you may not be able to do it again? Who knows. I take this moment and those forthcoming to take care of me. To put myself 1st, 2nd, and 3rd. To ensure that I am spiritually, physically, and mentally together and solid.


Right now is about me. And yes, I know I was not thee best, but damnit, I was thorough. I was strong, sensitive, and it. And I refuse to settle for anything less. 


So as you and I reinvent our lives and began from scratch, and I close this chapter of my life, I seek the best of me that I gave to you. I don't expect it back, but I need it back. I need to know that there is a figment, a piece of me that I can plant and watch it flourish; to watch it grow.

Maxwell, Pretty Wings

Waiting (for)(me) to Exhale

Imagine: a boring "apple-sugar-spice" Saturday afternoon full of nothingness and empty of excitement. You're a 23 year old woman, with half of a job, mind full of dreams, wants, and desires, an unkempt apartment that's yours to which needs to be straightened up by the way - but you feel weak. You pray daily, throughout the day and wake up sometimes at night when the only thing lighting the skies are stars you can't see from your bedroom, just to speak and talk with your God. Feel like you're living day-to-day - waiting for something to happen. Waiting for the life you know you deserve to stop skipping and just play - smoothly.

Rewind 15 years - Waiting to Exhale, circa 1995. I remember my mom took me to see the movie when it first came out. It was a date. Andorra Shopping Center - the best movie theatre in all of Philadelphia! At least that's what my 8 year old self thought. Unbeknownst me, that film would be pivotal to me, as a young girl. Waiting to Exhale is the film that ushered me into the realization that "Damn, I'm a girl!"

Fast forward 15 years. To now. That 8 year old girl is a 23 year old woman who now, fully understands the innuendos and adult comments and content made throughout the film. That 8 year old who is now a 23 year old woman, not only understands, but has been in some of the shoes filled by the women who played these pivotal roles. These, classic characters.

I remember watching it in my 8 year old skin, during the part when Robin and Michael have (horrific) sex. He looked like a fish in dry land, dying, but then he came to life - in minutes. I remember Gloria being the overbearing mother. And Angela Bassett's unforgettable role as the wife who sets her husband's clothes, jewelry and car ablaze after he leaves her, for a white woman. The rest of the movie, the little things, I didn't remember. Until this Saturday. This boring "apple-sugar-spice" Saturday!

But I realized and learned some, well, a lot of things as I watched this crucial film, from beginning to end. From opening scene to rolling credits. I watched that film beginning as the 8 year old girl I originally viewed it in, and slowly, grew into the 23 year old woman I am now.

Bernadine wanted to call her husband's new woman - the white woman, his secretary, to "talk" to her. Robin, egged her on. Savannah (Whitney!), shook her head. And Gloria, protested and subsequently snatched the cord out the phone. Bernie broke down. And I noticed, no one, not even Gloria or Robin who was on her side, consoled her. No one took her hand and said sweet words that we want our girlfriends to say. No one cusped her face into their brown, worn palms, and whispered positive words to her. They all sat (or stood) in place and watched her break down. And question why.

I sat at the edge of my bed, pouring, drying, and peeling Elmer's school glue from off of my hands. I sat there, seeing myself with my sister and my best friends. Watching us talk about what's to come - our fears and excitements. We're all excited to become mothers and wives, to buy our first homes and take vacations that women only takes with her girls.

I sat, waiting for the play button to be pushed in my life. To hear the "on your mark, get set *gunshot!* GO!" I sat, and watched this movie, and noticed that none of these women took care of themselves. But they took damn good care of everyone else. To please, everyone else - whether spiritually, emotionally, or sexually. Took exceptional care of their children, homes, and careers. But, they failed at making sure that their self, their person, their beings, were their #1 priority.

So, after the credits rolled, and I peeled glue from my hands one last time for the day, I made myself a cup of herbal tea. Started a simple dinner for one. And began this piece. Googled the benefits of yoga. Vowed, to myself, that while I wait for life to stop skipping, the least I could do is take care of me. To put me first. To take care of myself whether it meant eating more vegetables or meditating before bed. Whether it meant not answering the phone when I know I don't want to be bothered, just to have or to get a peace of mind, or randomly texting a friend I Love You.

Adulthood and I have a love/hate relationship. We've had this devastating relationship since I started college. It isn't fair and surely does what it wants to - what it sees fit. Doesn't give me what I want, when I want or what I feel I rightfully deserve, and damn sure doesn't give a streak of good luck!

But, as I sat on my bed, watching a cast of actresses whose careers let alone their lives span and double my own, I realized the key to this game of adulthood isn't to wait for it to do you right. The key is to do yourself right. The key, is to find a space or moment in time to call your own. Find a some peace of mind even when you're sitting in the midst of chaos. Appreciate the glimpses of sunshine regardless of the category 7 hurricane that's ripping through your life. Find peace. And breathe. Exhale.

At 8, I thought it was all about love and being angry. At 23 and an adult, I realize the problems were and are deeper than sex, more passionate than making love, more severe and detrimental than holding on or not wanting hold on tight because you've convinced yourself you'll lose the battle anyway. It's about carving a niche in this superficial, self-centered and self-absorbed, narcissistic, emotionally drained and oversensualized society we call home.

Since re-watching this flick for the first time in its entirety in 15 years, each day, I carve a niche for me and my existence. Whether it's sitting at my computer and working on a blog or feature piece, or sitting cozy in the corner of my sofa with a cup of tea, or even, sitting on my bed, naked, and in my skin, eyes closed, heart beating steadily, I breathe. I take time back for myself, whether 5 minutes or for 10 minutes, and I take it for myself. And myself alone.

For some people, this lesson, is never learned, let alone taught. Lucky me, I learned it at 8 but understood and comprehended it at 23. The sooner we get this simple fact about life, quite possibly, the sooner we all can individually and drastically change our lives, for the better.

So, moral of the story is: take back your life and claim it. Re-name. Appreciate it. Make it yours and give yourself the life you deserve.