Growing Into Me without Losing Me

I am a social networking junkie! I'm attached to my Twitter and Facebook nearly 24/7 though I may not be "socially networking" myself. I update statuses because, well, that's just what I do. Oddly enough, these days, more than ever before, I seek a mirror that offers me the chance to see myself in the manner that others see me. What sort of woman do you see when you look at me, speak to me, see my name? When the name Theresa Clark is presented to you as a representation of myself, what comes to mind? I remember years ago, friends and myself would post stats asking "give me one word that describes me", and your friends would comment with descriptions and you would return the favor if they were too participating. Surprisingly, the words then were nice, sweet words: kind, caring, sweet, honest, funny.

But today, I wonder, what would come to mind to those who have known me and those who do know me? Especially since becoming a woman fighting adulthood with the same ferocity she did with childhood growth.

Life grants us chances to see who we've grown into after experiencing life from a first person point of view. Chances like having lunch or dinner with a dear friend and running into someone you'd never expected to see again. Or, on your way to work, and running into a representation of your past, and this running into, isn't exactly how you'd envisioned it in your mind. But it happens.

Yet, life doesn't give us the chance to see in real time how people see us now. It forces us to grow into, with, and because of these transitions and judge ourselves, for ourselves, and by ourselves accordingly. Daunting feat right?

We seek and define ourselves through the things that life makes available to us. We define ourselves thru our fear, our desires, our dreams and the nightmares that ride our backs at night stifling our breathe as it attempts to suck whatever air is left out of our bodies, for fear of what we're to become. We live these lives, for the bulk of these lives staring through a two-way piece of glass that only offers us our reflection. What we see of ourselves at that moment.

It's hard to make alterations when you're not able to see a picture for what it really is; when you're forced to alterate based off of feelings and emotions, off of personal wants and desires.

It didn't take me long to discover that life is about change. And honestly, it's not about much else. We change in life over everything. Life engrains into us early, that at any given moment in our lives, we can change without the requirement of anyone's permission or say-so. Not even our own.


I fight daily to be a better me. To be and grow into the individual, the woman, the creation in the image of my God, I am supposed to be one of these days. And yes, the journey is treacherous and quite tough, but on my good days, the journey is well worth the climb. Yet, I still desire an accurate picture of what I portray and what I give and offer to the world. I seek this out just as much as I may seek personal forgiveness or individual gratitude. I search for it like I sought for faithful love when I wanted and needed it most. Yet, life is not willing to give me the picture of what others see. And I have no clue as to why, only assumptions, gestures, and ideas. All of these though, still do not give the answer to the question I seek: what does the world see when Theresa Antoinette Clark is presented to them? But just as quickly as the question is presented, it is quickly withdrawn because who the world sees and what the world thinks, by far is not as accurate as who it is that resides within ourselves. And that just may be the reason that we're given that two-way mirror that only provides a reflection of who we are at the very moment we decide to stare into that mirror, and figure out who we are then and who we are becoming.


I am not who I am destined to become. I am not the woman I desire to be. I am not leading a life that is in my eyes, admirable. But my growth and resilience, takes the cake in all categories. I grow and am growing. And that, is a feeling, an experience that no two-way self-reflecting mirror can give us, nor one that the world can convey equally as well. We've been put here to change lives and grow. But one of the first lives we're scheduled to change is our own. And how we do so, determines our whole life's worth and outcome as life returns to us only what we have placed into it.




Chrisette Michele
I'm A Star





"I really don't think life is about the I-could-have-beens. Life is only about the I-tried-to-do. I don't mind the failure but I can't imagine that I'd forgive myself if I didn't try." 

Nikki Giovanni

the best that i {had} and now {seek}

At the end of the day, and the fact of the matter, is that I did more than necessary, and did my best. Gave my all and borrowed from places outside of myself to provide what my heart could not do on its own.


Everybody's got opinions and there are multifaceted sides to all stories: the good ol' your's, mine, and the truth. But let it be whatever it is and whatever it will become, so long as we both know that I gave my all and more than I really should have. More than I even had remaining in me. More than I could fathom. More questions than answers. More tears than smiles. More pain than joy. I know, without a shadow of doubt or a second of uncertainty, I did my best and gave my all. And it is this fact that hurts the most. Not even that it's over. Or that I've returned to square one, to start from scratch, but, that I, a young 24 year old woman endured and fought, gave her all and quite possibly her best.


I don't know which way to turn or what foot to start with, but I know to move and keep moving. I can't say when will I give into love and usher myself into a relationship again. But right now, that's not even on my list, yet, it is a heavy question that beckons me. Did you give so much of yourself that possibly, you may not be able to do it again? Who knows. I take this moment and those forthcoming to take care of me. To put myself 1st, 2nd, and 3rd. To ensure that I am spiritually, physically, and mentally together and solid.


Right now is about me. And yes, I know I was not thee best, but damnit, I was thorough. I was strong, sensitive, and it. And I refuse to settle for anything less. 


So as you and I reinvent our lives and began from scratch, and I close this chapter of my life, I seek the best of me that I gave to you. I don't expect it back, but I need it back. I need to know that there is a figment, a piece of me that I can plant and watch it flourish; to watch it grow.

Maxwell, Pretty Wings

"But I ain't the world my love, I'm your woman"

There's a lot to be said and written about love and relationships; whether intimate ones, platonic ones, friendships, familal ones. There are those relationships that change and postively impact lives; destroy them too. Those that are endearing and compassionate, and of course, those that will suck every bit of energy out of your body.

But the love relationship, is an odd person. Its feelings are soft and gentle, and sometimes, unyeilding and stubborn. The twisted dichotomy of the love relationship is the attempt to find balance between the moments and times when the bed we sleep in is fractured and our joints tighten and backs ache all while our heart strings are pulled into a direction that it wants, and should be. Love, is like the sheer ugliness of a rose's genetic makeup: scarred with thorns, it too struggles to become who and what it is, to discover and realize its beauty in a world full of hostility and misunderstandings.

Yes, love in its natural state is fun and not serious at all; it is free flowing, and withstands all trials and tribulations of life. But the love relationship entwined with individuals and their emotions, thoughts, past, current, and future baggage, is not all fun and games, because people run it and people make mistakes. People do what they want, and not what love, naturally, requires them to do. People do what the world says they ought to, and not what they geniunely, in their heart of hearts, want to do - for themselves and for the survival of their love. People, tend to convince themselves that no one, not even their partner, understands their personal struggles; the struggles outside of us, outside of the here and now.

These facts are solidified and repeated in the words of a beautifully written and sung Jill Scott poem, Ain't A Ceiling. The words, are just as striking in print and to the eyes, as they are in sound and to the ears. She sings in an endearing tone, an understanding one:

So I want to step off with was, and start with right now.
You say, "the world just don't understand"
But I aint the world my love, I'm your woman
And I know how deep it really goes
trying to tread on a dream when the water feels low

And this, is what it's really all about. Reaching the point when the tears stop and for a moment in time, however short it may be, we're able to say I get you! I understand your emotional make-up and because of that, WE can do this.

It's ok and it's quite necessary to comfort and ease the spirits of our loves: whether they be intimate ones, platonic ones, friendships, or familal ones. But special caution has been taken for love relationships for they are forever gentle whether they've existed for 3 months or 68 years. Love, should not be taken for granted regardless of what facet it exists; whether it be a friend, brother, or the homeless woman on the street who simply needs a smile to let her know someone understands.

And by my being a woman who's experienced some things and have gone thru some things and felt and witnessed and wanted and needed, some things, all due to love, there's nothing better than being on the same page with your partner. There's nothing better than knowing when I wake in the morning, our love, will continue to be unyeilding. And this, will continue, so long as you understand that ...I ain't the world my love, I'm your woman"

Ain't A Ceiling, Jill Scott, Def Poetry Jam 2007