getting my peace of mind

Dear You.


Yes you. Especially if you think this is about you, then yes, it can be about you too. I know somewhere in your psyche, you think, well, you've convinced yourself that without you, I'd be nothing. Better yet, I would have been up shit's creek without a paddle to maintain the waves or a compass to know which way to go, if it all weren't for you. Claiming credit where it by far is not due.


But guess what? I'm fine. And like many urbanites like myself who weren't born with a silver spoon attached to their tongues, I'm good. And to be honest, I'm glad, no happy, shit, I'm proud of me for having walked away and not looking back. For having grown the balls you were incapable of maintaining to say enough was enough.


I claim myself and only the individual I am. Heart, mind, titties, ass, smile, happiness, everything - all included. And I must say, I am the grand prize. I am above 1st place status and especially beyond 2nd place "runner-up-coming-up". There's no one like me. And never will be. This though, you already know.


I am over what was and what use to be. And just because I'm spilling my sarcastic ass feelings into this piece of literature, it does not mean I want you. No sir.


I need nor do I want anything from you. I desire nor crave nothing that comes of your being. No conversations, apologies, puppy dog eyes of a man who's lost his battle. Nothing. No phone calls, text messages, e-mails; no forms of communication. No reason to connect. I harbor no ill feelings, hostility, nor anger. I wish nothing upon your life that could potentially do harm to you or that could alter your life in ways you cannot even imagine. 


My main and only concern in this current and present life of mine is myself. That is all. I've reached a point where I could care less about your words, thoughts, intentions, or desires. Because sir, you know, just like I know, Karma, is a bitch. Life knew just what she was doing when she made Karma, sexually speaking, a cold blooded fucking woman! And I already know, your name, is indeed on it.


To you, you walked away with nothing. To you, I forced you to begin all over again. To you, I have everything, and was inconvenienced by none. If you say so. But the last time I checked: that large, lavish apartment has been traded in for a twin sized bed while I solely am still paying for that large, lavish apartment that you too resided in. You remember that apartment right? The same one you laid your head at when the night sky took over. The same one where I scrounged and struggled for months to make all ends meet while your sad attempts to get on your feet didn't quite come through. Yet, I would have lost it all if it weren't you. Are you sure about this? Or is this just what you irresponsibly spill into the streets and atop of the ears of whomever will listen to make yourself look good? How about no comment? Or, I'd rather not speak on it. How about "I fucked up. But I have to move on". Any of these would work magically for me because then the hard work I did put in and the dedication I did exude would not be trampled on by your selfish, inconsiderate, lonely ass words on the simple fact that you've grown bitter.


You hold no power over me or my successes. Your presence has no place in my future regardless of how hard you attempt to ease your way in. You words mean nothing regardless of how hatefully you spew them all in the name of hatred and anger. You, are no longer a factor in anything I do.


But go ahead and carry on. Because while you harbor these ill-gotten feelings that really should be geared towards yourself, I pay you no mind. I fight daily to regain the peace of mind that rightfully belongs to me. But do understand, this peace, was never in your jurisdiction. This peace, is brand new and refreshing; it has no imprint of days spent with you. And yes, I fight daily to leave you further in the past than you were yesterday. I, will and can be everything you claim me to be because you, my former beau, are no longer a factor. I will be all the fat bitches I've ever been to you because you, have no stake to profit off of when it comes to me.


So Sir, enjoy the words you regurgitate today, for they may be the words you eat tomorrow.




Sincerely,
never looking back.

Chrisette Michele

Goodbye Game

Throwing Stones & Breaking Houses

..."The person who is sinless should be the first to throw a stone at her." John 8:7

Many, most, if not all of us have been reared on or have at least heard the saying let he without sin cast the first stone, at some point in our lives. We too at some point (or several), have found ourselves standing at both ends of the spectrum. We've played the stone thrower and the stone catcher. We have judged and been judged. And without it being said, many of us are more comfortable playing the stone thrower, than we are being the stone catcher. Obviously.

There's a particular uncomfortable stance that someone, that you or I, have to withstand in order to be the stone catcher. A certain body cast. A particular frame of mind and even, a certain outlook on both the situation and life. To be able to focus on and think about the right later instead of the right now; to be able to look past versus looking at. And I say all of this because just as it is easier to play one role, I too, have and sometimes cast stones I have no right or privy to do so.

Judgement, is a very dangerous turf. As permission, often has not been granted to us to do so.

I sat, listening to words being hurled at me and in a blink of an eye, I realized, however full of emotion these sentiments were, they were not being stated out of love or concern. They by far were not being said with careful consideration or with only an ounce of opinion or judgement. Words, are far more dangerous than actions or reactions. Words, can divide and conquer nations just as they can piece them back together again like Humpty Dumpty's shattered body. The tongue, is far more dangerous than the sword; and this, we often forget.

But I sat through these brash words and questioned, where the fuck is the love?! Where was the I respect your decision(s) regardless of how much I may disagree? In this one-sided conversation, none of this existed, nor mattered. Surprisingly, the forever swimming Pisces in me did not show her watercolors. She did not fill and then combust with tears. Nope. Not this time. Frustration and anger, hurt and a harsh realization is all that consumed her. It wasn't worth the tears nor argument, the bickering or expletives and namecalling that was being hurled from front to back, and back again. Nope. Not this time. It wasn't even worth calling a truce and calling it a day. It wasn't worth agreeing to disagree and shaking hands and air kissing cheeks to leave the battle done. Nope. Not this time.

At some point, the choosing, picking up, and hurling, tossing, throwing, of objects - whether words, stones, or fists, has to stop.

At some point, the self-made decisions to judge the choices and resolutions, the conclusions and denouements of others, has to stop.

At some point, to be humble and modest, however much it may cause us to clinch teeth, ball hands into tightly concealed knots, swallow complete words or half sentences, all has to began. To involve ourselves and consequently throw in our whole dollars, half dollars, twenty-five, or measly two cents, needs to come to an end.

So let these words, with no judgement, no opinions, no imaginary pennies, nickles, dimes, or quarters being thrown into your wishing well, let this all sink in. Because all glass houses eventually crack and crumble.