About Me

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Philadelphia, PA, United States
I suck at bios. Am horrible at telling interesting things about myself without embarassing myself at the same time. So I stick to the basics: My mind is forever active; always thinking and asking questions. I enjoy reading. Love writing. But if it were up to me, I'd love for a lifetime because love, is an animal that as untamed as it is, it's perfect.

Sunday, October 31, 2010

You're Not the Man

When we're young, we do crazy things.
And when we get older, those crazy young things become stupid old things.

This is the best way to describe he and I. Crazy young decisions that had not outgrown us (though they should have) with perhaps no regard for age, growth, or expansion. No recognition of what it means for old things (and older individuals) to remain where they lie. The possible consequences. The possibility to end what is or what was or what could have been to find out what temporary tastes like. Like waking a sleeping giant and expecting it to be gentle and calm. Expecting it to be humble and changed. Expecting its outlook to mirror your own.

These are possibly the best ways to describe he and I.He and I weren't even enough to become "us" or "we". That's how temporary it all was.

We were young when we first crossed paths; hadn't even hit our twenties. Still in transition from childhood to adulthood. And still naive. Still doing what satisified our individual selves and with no responsibility outside of school and work. We enjoyed the non-responsibility of our then lives. We simultaneously taught and learned much from one another. Fun and convienence are the best ways to describe our thinking. But eventually our paths split, familiarity became distance, and time well spent became distant memories. Phone numbers changed just as our ages and focuses on life had. We morphed into new individuals. But old young things followed us so that they would become new stupid old things.

It's a known fact that sometimes in life we have to test waters that we know are not safe for us. We feel the need to enter territories that we know we ought not to. Just to see what it's like as we knowingly toss common sense aside.

And that's what we did. And continued to do. Before I knew it, I realized none of it made any sense to me. And it made no sense just to keep him, it, the situation, or the madness in tact just for the fun of it. Because at the end of the day, if I can't call or reach out when I really need your full, undivided attention, then I don't really need you around. And that's what it came to. I came to realize that just like our pre-twenties, and pre-responsibilities, just like the prefaces to the many chapters that would follow, there's always an ending. And it didn't matter how many times or in how many ways we called ourselves rewinding the clock or attempting to relive then, it was already over, and was over long before it even began.

It didn't matter how many times I attempted to correlate my likeness of his swagger to the traits and qualities that I believe a man should have, he wasn't it. He was not and is not and will not ever be that man. And more importantly, not the man for me. He was not and is not and will not ever be the man willing to bleed for me, live for me, give his last breathe to save for me. He wasn't then, isn't now, and thus, will not ever be that man I somehow managed to misconstrue his image to make myself believe he was.

Sade - You're Not the Man by theresaclark1987

Monday, October 4, 2010

Something (more), Someone (changed), Somewhere (new)

This life, it's always changing. Does what it wants to, when it desires to, and in its own order. We're just players in this game - for a lack of a better description. But it's the truth.

These days, I find myself seeking and searching for opportunities to better myself. To make Theresa a better partner, educator, student, daughter, sister, friend, aunt, niece, lover, and partner (just to name a few of my roles in this life I lead). Whether better employment opportunities or a chance to get back in school to finish this good ol' bachelors. Something.

I'd put as a status recently that "When you  need a break thru, God is who you go to". The rhyming I love - haven't written in rhyme since high school poetry with Ms. Reissman. Since the days I fell in love with poetry, daily.  But the truth behind the statement has and continues to prove itself to be true in my life. For the first time in my adult life, I've learned what it means to place my faith and problems, issues and concerns, into the hands of the deity, the God I call unto, and leave them there. Grew up hearing Let go and let God. Walk away and never turn back. It's easier said than done, but peace has never been sweeter. Confidence has never been stronger. And faith, has never been surer.

And by no means is this about religion, faith, or spirituality. But instead about how much and how often life changes. How at the blink of an eye, the click of a tongue against teeth, the flinch of a chilly body, life changes - instantly. How who we were yesterday, and last week, let alone last year, by far, is not the same individual.

My days zoom past. Weeks quickly turn into months. And the months already are ending a year I highly anticipated and planned for, yet, was not prepared for what it held. Just last night I thought I was living in June. Yet tonight, already, it's a frigid October evening. Sirens play loudly in my background as if it's supposed to be a soft jazz melody. The engines of cars fly past my building and on the eleventh floor, I hear it all. Violent winds blow and tree limbs whistle. Through closed windows, I hear the world buzzing as if I'm on some major artery, witnessing it in first person.

Close my eyes for a moment, and it's as if I hear nothing. Silence. Peace.

There's power in being in the middle of chaos, and to have total control over what and how to which you're affected. To be in the midst of loudness, and not hear a single sound to shake, rattle, and roll your insides. To be somewhere, yet be no where at the same time. To be able to be unaffected by the turmoil of your surroundings. Peace. It's something new for me. It's a new place that is full of grandeur and supreme beauty. It, is overstated and misunderstood. Peace is the laughter my quickly growing two year old sister who knows nothing about heartache and disappointment; but instead of hugs and kisses, ABCs and 123s, and Sasha, the cat. Peace is having breasts and a shape of a woman. Peace is waking in the morning to live another day. Peace is being appreciative that things really could be a whole lot worst.

The older I get, the more I appreciate this life. The one that has taken away and given me things and individuals. The same life that just as quickly as it removes someone from my space, it quickly returns them. The more I anticipate what's to come from marriage and children, dreams that manifest its destiny into success. The less I look back and the more I look forward, the more I realize that though I'm not where I'd anticipated to be now, I'm where I'm supposed to be. And that's a noteworthy breath.