Father Dearest,

The sarcasm runs deeper than the dislike. But so does the pain when I look back on life and realize all the times when I really needed your presence to be known, not just imagined. As women, we learn how not to "need" men. But as girls, you're life's best kept secret. Lucky me, the secret was a joke that I learned to heckle. 


There's a lot about me you do know because according to you, you made sure that you kept tabs on me as a child. You knew I was a wiz in school. That I enjoyed reading chapter books versus playing with the neighborhood kids. You knew I was well-mannered and polite. But all of these things were a given considering who my mother is. As you already know, Doreen plays no games.


But there's a lot that you don't know. And a lot that you unfortunately will not be privy to. This isn't about holding grudges or harboring ill feelings. It's about learning who to trust and who not to. And in this life, we're taught early not to trust those who we do not know. Trust like respect is earned. The fact of the matter is that you and I, we don't know each other.


As I push into 25 and as my brothers have said to me, "knocking on 30's door", I've been taking a lot of time re-evaluating relationships, including what little of one we have.


You remind me of the childhood crush who comes around every so often to see if we're still good. You come around every few years, maybe months to check-in. And not to my surprise or dismay, you always disappear. When you are around, things begin nicely. Reasonable conversations that aren't forced, but then, we delve into you being a shitty example of a father and your sob ass stories of the decisions you made as a child that continued into your adult life. And of course, how grateful and blessed you that the mother's of your children raised well-rounded, no shit taking, intelligent children who can hold their own. The little angel on my shoulder listens coyly and nods in understanding on behalf of humanity. But then, the little red devil bitch on the other shoulder could give a rats ass how you've spent millions on insurmountable amounts of drugs and coochie. Or about all of the great cities you've visited. And especially doesn't give a fuck about you wanting to get all of your children together under one roof and spend a day together as a family because you know that you can't make up for past times. Who-fucking-cares is what she thinks as she taps her pitchfork.


I respectfully get it. I know shit happens. It's a part of life. It's how we learn how to handle situations and people. But when that shit happens repeatedly, you are officially at fault. Case closed. And pity no longer lives here anymore. I was sympathetic at 15 when I knocked on my grandmother's door because someone told me you were there, and you had no fucking clue whose eyes you were staring into. Your eyes. Your eyebrows. The texture of your hair - all mine. How could you not recognize a face that resembles yours to the tee - just that of a pretty girl versus a battered man? I was sympathetic at 18 when you made promises of diamond earrings that instead of gifting, you either smoked or snorted because your arms have no signs of tract marks. I was even sympathetic when you apologized and was invited to be present to see me off for my senior prom and a guaranteed ticket to my high school graduation. No call. No show.


You consciously stayed out of my life as a child because of your severity of fucked up. I get that. And I respect that. I appreciate that more than what you may believe. I sincerely thank you for not bringing that bullshit into my childhood to further scar me. But, I remember seeing you at 2 in Adidas track pants as you gave me your half eaten bag of sunflower seeds; you'd came to the house to speak with my mother. I remember seeing you at 8 as I was riding with my cousin, on our way to a fair. You stopped the car because you recognized my cousin and saw that I was in the back seat. Your head was shaved bald. We talked a bit, I was shy, we said bye, and parted ways. The next time I saw you, I was 10, it was the summer time, I was on the steps with my Grandma and her best friend. You were walking by with your girlfriend at the time, who would become my sister's mother. You looked at me, and never uttered a sound. Never even slowed your pace to take a longer glimpse at me. I sat, and watched your every step. I remember you had on jean shorts and a baby blue short sleeved polo shirt. If I knew then what I know now, I would've wished for the ground below you to open up and swallow your simple ass. The next time I saw you, I was 15, when I knocked on your mother's door, but you didn't even recognize me.


At 24 and weeks away from 25, my focus is no longer on building a relationship with a man that I as the product of you, have tried to build and create some sort of closeness with for the past 10 years off-and-on. I still need to finish my bachelors. Travel a bit. Find a new apartment. Be a better sister, daughter, granddaughter, friend. Be a better me so I can be an excellent wife and mother. There really isn't much room for your bullshit anymore.


How can I expect you to be a "father-in-law" when you don't know the daughter and wouldn't be able to educate him on me? How can I expect you to be a "grandfather" when even now, with two growing grandsons from your eldest son, you're not even a constant presence in their lives? I've spent my life asking these questions. And now as a grown, adult woman, these are serious ass questions that require equally serious ass responses. Not excuses. Not stories of what you dream to become reality. No, just hard core truth. I'd fair better if you could say "I don't know if I could ever be these things" versus feeding my precious ears with bullshit of what you want and hope to happen.


I'm a big girl who's grown up in an even bigger city. Raised to be feisty and to shoot from the hip from an equally feisty and driven mother, I've faired off better than a lot of women my age.


I can't say I don't need a father, because all children need a father. But that figure may not necessarily be whose DNA you're made of. 


You've missed out on a lot and are missing out on even more. 


As human beings, we don't stop growing once we learn to stand and walk, talk, count, and recite our ABCs. Yes, those are momentous events, but, they don't stop there. We grow and obtain jobs that lead to careers and success that deserve to be celebrated. We grow and lead lives that may not necessarily be ideal, but, to conquer struggles and downfalls too deserve to be celebrated. We become parents and wedded partners. Because you were never around, my father figures have been replaced several times in my life. At 6, my favorite uncle was locked up on the same day my great-grandfather died. My grandfather, who is my favorite man dead or alive, died when I was 9. And the man I grew up calling Daddy, I learned to love and despise. Women have primarily been my comfort in this life. And men, have come a dime a dozen. Including you.


I am grateful for your existence because otherwise I wouldn't be here. But that's where it begins and ends. I have no hatred in my heart, but if I did, you'd have the top slot. Whether or not we've reached our breaking point, I don't know. But if we have, I know that both as child and woman, I've done more than my share. And I pray, should God grant me another go around in lifetimes to come, that I have learned all of the lessons to learn from you and this experience so that I may not experience this ever again. Same prayer for you as well because I couldn't imagine being a parent and knowing that my presence in the lives of my children is not deemed a present.

A Challenge Disguised In Self-Love

the easiest thing in this life is holding onto what we know. the hardest thing is letting that thing or person go. it takes nothing to revert to feelings felt before, stating words repeated 50 million times before, or even, crying old tears. but to do what's never been done before, and sticking to it, is our greatest individual challenges. it, is the greatest show of self-love that we can give ourselves.


there's nothing easier in this life than to go back. but equally, there's nothing more rewarding than giving yourself permission to let go and free yourself of whatever it is that has a hold of you.


give it a try. and see just how much your life changes - for the best and better.


***

Tickled with Anticipation

I spent some time not long ago looking at engagement rings, wedding gowns, honeymoon spots, and floral arrangements. Trying to put a face to the man I'll spend forever with and the kids we'll make and raise and love. Delving into careers that I would love to wake up to partake in daily. Imagining the home I'll help create. Spent some time attempting to look into the future and tried to figure out life now and how it'll affect life later. Consciously attempting to coordinate steps so that they only positively affect what's to come. Of course, the end result left me empty handed, but, the attempt was made.

I've always said that we get from life what we put into it. And that's the honest to God truth. Should you contribute nothing to this one life of yours, your harvest will return to you ill fruits and parch land. But, should you sow your land with grace and dedication, your harvest then will return to you the best things of this life. But not necessarily in a fashion or span of time that you may see fit.

I can tell you with the straightest face possible, I have no clue what life has in store. I don't know what to expect come next week or six months from now, let alone a year or more from now. Regardless of how much I "plan", life does it's own thing; I'm just a participant in its show, a pawn in its game, a squirrel trying to get a nut - to say the least.


I just want the best out of this life and I hope the same applies to you and those in your immediate circle. But in wanting the best out of this life, we have to make some pretty tough decisions, burn some bridges, tear out some chapters, cry plenty tears, and do some back turning. And we have to do all of this hoping on a wish and a prayer that the end result is a life that when we sit back and reflect, we can confidently and proudly say that we are happy and satisfied with the decisions made.


Though this may sound like some internal battle of good versus evil quipped with the past fighting the future, it's not. It's a woman playing with her own thoughts and hoping, wishing, and praying that her life from here on out is full of nothing but joyous surprises because after all, she is truly tickled with anticipation and can't wait to see what is on its way to her.

Happy New Year from GirllNexxDoor

speaking from first hand experience, 2011 was downright cruel. but i made it out alive, laughing, smiling, and happy. it ended in a way that juxtaposed perfectly against the trials i endured during and throughout the year. so at the end of the day, not much and nothing else mattered.


there are no new year resolutions, we're just continuing on the path to conquer and achieve, to successfully complete goals that have already been put into motion. but most importantly, we're not looking back. and i hope you aren't either. there's nothing there but memories, some good and some horrid. there are no repeats, you can't go back there and for some of us, me included, we don't want to go back. 


so while some of us are still in our 2011 closing outfits, some in pajamas, some in nothing at all, and some, quite possibly wearing the contents of your belly from indulging a tad bit much in the night's celebratory alcoholic beverages, lets make 2012 memorable. make it worth while. make it what we want and what we dream.


i wish you and yours nothing but wealth, success, peace, and insurmountable amounts of blessings. you deserve to be here, because otherwise, you wouldn't be.

***